I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She bit a glass in half.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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