I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
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