I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You can't special order awesome
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
