I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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