I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
