I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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