ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i drank out of a bidet.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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