Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
