new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
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