So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
