I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
