it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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