i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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