I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize