i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
