My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize