i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
