If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
