Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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