i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
