I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
