She went from zero to smokin in five shots
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
What a dumb baby whore.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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