When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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