Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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