You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
