who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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