Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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