if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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