Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
