I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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