his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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