All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Randomize
