dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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