Well apparently he's into motor boating.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
