i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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