Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
