I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
