never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
