I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
