Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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