What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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