No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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