so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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