you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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