Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
