I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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