I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
