I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
