chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
