I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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