The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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