im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
