i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
