i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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