Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
