i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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