Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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