we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
